[June 03, 2009 | 12:17 AM] wanted to write so much but now im sober. nothing to hear. nothing worth writing. i guess i' just don't really keep anything bottled up anymore-- and i think it's a newfound release. to stand up for myself and not care about what my blood family had in store. i learned this summer -- these days in poland, 4 which i've only spent here so far -- family is the relationship. not the bloodwork. i've gone cherry picking, clubbing, bar hopping, walking around stalowa wola, shopping. i think i love life here a lot. i would want tob uild a house you know, like really-- 130g's/3 and i have a a nice big new house and i will design it, and life is so good here. i wqant to build it and come back every chance i get-- the relationships ive regained here are more than friendship, more than family friends i feel like i found myself here, and it's not because i want to believe it -- so i force myself to pretend i feel at home and it's only because i am home.

[August 11, 2008 | 04:33 PM] I don't know where I start or where I end, but it's somewhere I hope. Actually I don't see any end in sight, and right now that's not the best feeling i've been having. I've been feeling a lot of anxiety, a lot of everything, a lot of un-harmony in my life. I'm eager to smoke away cigarettes that make me gag, and leave me really nauseous. Nothing stops me.. not even my self. I'mn really uncomfortable at the point in my life where I'm at.. i guess it's everything all at once. I don't know why I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to pindick Javier, but it was. Every insecurity I ever felt about that relationship he told me I was right, everything he lied about and I had a feeling about, i was right on point. So now i'm supposed to be proud that my intuition is so strong, but it's so damaging to know i've been so stepped on.. And now with Javier and Christian, both being total assholes to me uneccesaily and stringing me along after long conflicts in our relationships.. i met someone I actually would like to learn to be with. We come from totally different backgrounds, and totally different lives.. and we somewhar have this bond. but hey i'm too insecure right now ewih my trust to be in anything stable. I'm tired of going around always beating around the bush, never trying my best, and never being satisfied.... How I wish things were so much easier. How I can't cease these panic attacks long enough to be okay, how I can't say what I feel because I fear i'm going to get walked all over.. how i prefer to stay quiet in all this mess and just nod my head sometimes. How foolish and stupid of me to think it's okay to talk to someone who's wronged you a million times over, and how foolish to try to be the bigger person. When I was younger this type of shit would disgust me.. and now I guess i'm just insecure without a fucking thought of what I am going to do. I'm going to go home and sleep, because I don't think this is working.

[May 11, 2008 | 12:14 PM] it hurts so bad. to be unloved. to be unloved by someone who brought you out of your peace of mind and asked me to love them. it's relaly unbareable. i did e. i'm pissed off at myself for believing a douchebag again, the same one. i'm done.. i can't believe and hold onto anything anymore. roadtrip next weekend to philly and maryland i can't be in nyc anymore.

[May 06, 2008 | 06:38 PM] I need to refresh my memory of who I am, weher I've been and where I'm going. Picking major in college is hard. It's something i'm going to do for a while, and it's scary that what I chose might not make me any money. I want to be happy, and happy only at this point of my life. I want to lead my life giving my full efforts and stop prcrastianting. I've been high a whole year straight almost and i've lost probably a lot of oppurtunities i've had to make some realy good memories. i was high. i've started talking to christian again and i'm pleased, it's real and we're trying to be real friends, real good friends. i crave him though, so much for keeping it at bay. i haven't seen him in 5 months though, we're going to hang out this week or next to lay under the full moon and i don't know what's going to happen, but i don't mind. for the first time in my life my future is up in the air and i don't mind. although i can guarantee that whatever is going to come tomorrow or the day after, i will try my hardest nd i'll put my best into it. i can't stand living any longer not trying my best and accepting my half losses, because they're not half wins. I've been hanging out with a lot of poeple i've grown up with from greenfield. they're all drunks, cokeheads, methheads, stoners, losers.. really, they are. but i don't mind i ont judge people as long as they have decent personalities, in fact, it's probably a lot better that they have been fucked up all the time because they at least have a bit of character. anyway i'm at work i'll continue this later

[April 05, 2008 | 12:51 AM] I saw some guy I haven't seen since like halfway through highs chool... and somehow it got me really depressed. Like I really haven't felt this "doomed" in a while. I guess when you ask people how they are you don't expect this implement of emotions from them that you, yourself can't decipher or put into logical context. I know life sucks. I know it's hard as hell. It saddens me that you don't know what you are going to do for the rest of your life and I don't know either. Really I don't. But I don't go around thinking I don't know anything, I try to make assumptions on my present where I will be tomorrow and it's really scary that that's not always certain. Umm.. Next week is going to be really tough my dad is in the hospital he had his operation yesterday and my grandfather.. (my favorite one) is sick.. in poland.. and he;'s 93 and i hope everything turns out well, really I do, because I wish yo have another opportunity to go see him... but my moms leaving to Poland next week so.... I really don't know how hard this will be, but I always have room for personal growth and somehow I think I'll have a better stance in life when this situation is over. i want to find something beautiful to live for

[April 01, 2008 | 08:19 AM] " Annnaa..Yeah Queens is mad chill almost too chill. You weren't lame , you just seemed stressed and i know why just having a overwhelmed schedule again , but you doing fine.. You just gotta suck up. Still got the WEEKENDS. Its feels wierd though at times being around you when i kinda like you.I think its more the fact that you know it too and when do hang out it feels more like a date.I know yesterday was the first time i saw you since like a month and 1/2 eventhough still talked. I'm not trying to sound so blunty but i needed to tell you. Theres times when i'm around you and it feels like you want to tell me something maybe there is or maybe is shyness? I can be very shy at times to be honest , we all are. I'm not writing you this to try to convicnce to anything trust me , i just though you should know this since Friends. Talk to soon "

[March 02, 2008 | 03:25 PM] so i have had a lot of time to think about EVERYTHING! and i am happy! and i wish you are too... because man, you deserve it. i've thought a LOT about how i have been in the past and stuff.. and how my actions were poor and the things i said were poor.. ER.. anyhow i wish you try to talk to me again! because maybe this time i will say somehting back.

[February 21, 2008 | 10:10 AM] [ mood | happy ] I am overwhelmed by "life" but I can't get enough of it. I feel like my whole life I've been moving at a steady pace, doing things slower than faster but I think I have accomplished a lot, a whole lot, all on my own. I don't know what to say, I'd never thought I'd be here I guess.. to get this far.. to prosper so much. I've done a lot and seen a lot, but I still somehow feel like it's not enough, or at least I used to the past couple of months. I am okay. In fact, I am far greater than okay because I have found my peace of mind once again, and I am no longer restless. I feel like I have so much responsibility though that I can't afford to waste my time on anything that isn't worth my time. IE: everyones asking me how i deal with a lot of things, how I blow off stress so easily, how I'm less caring and less irritated by the actions/words/whatever of others. "What would you do in my situation Anna? I need help" "Well I wouldn't be in your situation. I don't have time for gimics." Well kids, I have no time to waste my time wondering, or wandering, and I can't waste my time talking trash or thinking trash or anything to do with trash besides throwing it out for the household. I have turned in my lighters for candles, and my insults for books. I don't know how I got here, but I did. I feel a lot different than I used to when I was younger, like somehow I have this deeper understanding of life. Last night I watched the Lunar Eclipse with my mom, and I have to say that our relationship had deeply improved. I guess there comes a time where every daughter understands her mother, and a monther starts to understand her daughter. My friend sat with my mom while I showered on Valentines day and they talked for a while, and my mom told my friend how she is proud of me, and my friend spoke about how generous and genuine I am of a person and to always give me the benefit of the doubt, and there's nothing greater to have then to be at such peace with myself to have a relationship with both my mom and girlfriends to leave them alone for a while in comfort. I don't mean to boast, and I never have before.. I guess everyone gets a little childish sometimes and is all "no no mine is better!" or some dome crap but I have never cared about the brand of jeans' my friends or spouses wear, nor will I ever. Maybe I kind of got side-tracked by the anxiety I was trying to alleviate by smoking so much BUD that the whole past year is a little blurry here and there. I've only smoked 4 times this past month after smoking at least 5 days a week, several times a day, for the past year.. and You know what? I like being sober. I love that I dealt with all my anxieties finally because if I kept putting everything off I don't know if I'd ever get around to it. I am okay, and I have a smile on my face, and a smile on my heart. Most of all I am loving myself again, and there's no better priority to have. Also I finally figured out my major, and I'm pretty satisfied with the decisions I'm making. I have to transfer schools for next year and I had a panic attack as soon as I thought about it, the whole process of being in charge of my life and making moves, how I don't need anyones approval to do whatever the hell I want to do.. kind of scary.. kind of still gives me a lot of anxiety but I am eager to relieve my anxiety properly by taking action of my life and doing those things rather than stressing about them in my mind forever.

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