Anna

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 22:33:31 GMT

wanted to write so much but now im sober. nothing to hear. nothing worth writing. i guess i' just don't really keep anything bottled up anymore-- and i think it's a newfound release. to stand up for myself and not care about what my blood family had in store. i learned this summer -- these days in poland, 4 which i've only spent here so far -- family is the relationship. not the bloodwork.

i've gone cherry picking, clubbing, bar hopping, walking around stalowa wola, shopping.
i think i love life here a lot.
i would want tob uild a house you know,
like really-- 130g's/3 and i have a a nice big new house
and i will design it,
and life is so good here.
i wqant to build it and come back every chance i get-- the relationships ive regained here are more than friendship, more than family friends
i feel like i found myself here, and it's not because i want to believe it -- so i force myself to pretend
i feel at home
and it's only because i am home.

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 20:41:18 GMT

I don't know where I start or where I end, but it's somewhere I hope. Actually I don't see any end in sight, and right now that's not the best feeling i've been having. I've been feeling a lot of anxiety, a lot of everything, a lot of un-harmony in my life. I'm eager to smoke away cigarettes that make me gag, and leave me really nauseous. Nothing stops me.. not even my self. I'mn really uncomfortable at the point in my life where I'm at.. i guess it's everything all at once. I don't know why I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to pindick Javier, but it was. Every insecurity I ever felt about that relationship he told me I was right, everything he lied about and I had a feeling about, i was right on point. So now i'm supposed to be proud that my intuition is so strong, but it's so damaging to know i've been so stepped on..

And now with Javier and Christian, both being total assholes to me uneccesaily and stringing me along after long conflicts in our relationships.. i met someone I actually would like to learn to be with. We come from totally different backgrounds, and totally different lives.. and we somewhar have this bond. but hey i'm too insecure right now ewih my trust to be in anything stable.
I'm tired of going around always beating around the bush, never trying my best, and never being satisfied....
How I wish things were so much easier.
How I can't cease these panic attacks long enough to be okay, how I can't say what I feel because I fear i'm going to get walked all over.. how i prefer to stay quiet in all this mess and just nod my head sometimes.

How foolish and stupid of me to think it's okay to talk to someone who's wronged you a million times over, and how foolish to try to be the bigger person. When I was younger this type of shit would disgust me.. and now I guess i'm just insecure without a fucking thought of what I am going to do. I'm going to go home and sleep, because I don't think this is working.

Sun, 11 May 2008 16:15:41 GMT

it hurts so bad. to be unloved. to be unloved by someone who brought you out of your peace of mind and asked me to love them. it's relaly unbareable. i did e. i'm pissed off at myself for believing a douchebag again, the same one. i'm done.. i can't believe and hold onto anything anymore. roadtrip next weekend to philly and maryland i can't be in nyc anymore.

Tue, 06 May 2008 22:48:02 GMT

I need to refresh my memory of who I am, weher I've been and where I'm going.
Picking major in college is hard. It's something i'm going to do for a while, and it's scary that what I chose might not make me any money. I want to be happy, and happy only at this point of my life. I want to lead my life giving my full efforts and stop prcrastianting. I've been high a whole year straight almost and i've lost probably a lot of oppurtunities i've had to make some realy good memories. i was high. i've started talking to christian again and i'm pleased, it's real and we're trying to be real friends, real good friends. i crave him though, so much for keeping it at bay.

i haven't seen him in 5 months though, we're going to hang out this week or next to lay under the full moon and i don't know what's going to happen, but i don't mind.

for the first time in my life my future is up in the air and i don't mind. although i can guarantee that whatever is going to come tomorrow or the day after, i will try my hardest nd i'll put my best into it.

i can't stand living any longer not trying my best and accepting my half losses, because they're not half wins.

I've been hanging out with a lot of poeple i've grown up with from greenfield. they're all drunks, cokeheads, methheads, stoners, losers.. really, they are.

but i don't mind i ont judge people as long as they have decent personalities, in fact, it's probably a lot better that they have been fucked up all the time because they at least have a bit of character. anyway i'm at work i'll continue this later

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 04:57:56 GMT

I saw some guy I haven't seen since like halfway through highs chool... and somehow it got me really depressed. Like I really haven't felt this "doomed" in a while. I guess when you ask people how they are you don't expect this implement of emotions from them that you, yourself can't decipher or put into logical context. I know life sucks. I know it's hard as hell. It saddens me that you don't know what you are going to do for the rest of your life and I don't know either. Really I don't. But I don't go around thinking I don't know anything, I try to make assumptions on my present where I will be tomorrow and it's really scary that that's not always certain. Umm.. Next week is going to be really tough my dad is in the hospital he had his operation yesterday and my grandfather.. (my favorite one) is sick.. in poland.. and he;'s 93 and i hope everything turns out well, really I do, because I wish yo have another opportunity to go see him... but my moms leaving to Poland next week so....

I really don't know how hard this will be,
but I always have room for personal growth
and somehow I think I'll have a better stance in life when this situation is over.

i want to find something beautiful to live for

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 12:19:47 GMT

"
Annnaa..Yeah Queens is mad chill almost too chill. You weren't lame , you just seemed stressed and i know why just having a overwhelmed schedule again , but you doing fine.. You just gotta suck up. Still got the WEEKENDS. Its feels wierd though at times being around you when i kinda like you.I think its more the fact that you know it too and when do hang out it feels more like a date.I know yesterday was the first time i saw you since like a month and 1/2 eventhough still talked. I'm not trying to sound so blunty but i needed to tell you. Theres times when i'm around you and it feels like you want to tell me something maybe there is or maybe is shyness? I can be very shy at times to be honest , we all are. I'm not writing you this to try to convicnce to anything trust me , i just though you should know this since Friends.
Talk to soon
"

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 20:28:02 GMT

so i have had a lot of time to think about EVERYTHING!

and i am happy! and i wish you are too... because man, you deserve it.

i've thought a LOT about how i have been in the past and stuff.. and how my actions were poor and the things i said were poor.. ER.. anyhow i wish you try to talk to me again!

because maybe this time i will say somehting back.

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 15:19:53 GMT

I am overwhelmed by "life" but I can't get enough of it. I feel like my whole life I've been moving at a steady pace, doing things slower than faster but I think I have accomplished a lot, a whole lot, all on my own. I don't know what to say, I'd never thought I'd be here I guess.. to get this far.. to prosper so much. I've done a lot and seen a lot, but I still somehow feel like it's not enough, or at least I used to the past couple of months. I am okay. In fact, I am far greater than okay because I have found my peace of mind once again, and I am no longer restless. I feel like I have so much responsibility though that I can't afford to waste my time on anything that isn't worth my time. IE: everyones asking me how i deal with a lot of things, how I blow off stress so easily, how I'm less caring and less irritated by the actions/words/whatever of others.

"What would you do in my situation Anna? I need help"
"Well I wouldn't be in your situation. I don't have time for gimics."

Well kids, I have no time to waste my time wondering, or wandering, and I can't waste my time talking trash or thinking trash or anything to do with trash besides throwing it out for the household. I have turned in my lighters for candles, and my insults for books. I don't know how I got here, but I did. I feel a lot different than I used to when I was younger, like somehow I have this deeper understanding of life. Last night I watched the Lunar Eclipse with my mom, and I have to say that our relationship had deeply improved. I guess there comes a time where every daughter understands her mother, and a monther starts to understand her daughter. My friend sat with my mom while I showered on Valentines day and they talked for a while, and my mom told my friend how she is proud of me, and my friend spoke about how generous and genuine I am of a person and to always give me the benefit of the doubt, and there's nothing greater to have then to be at such peace with myself to have a relationship with both my mom and girlfriends to leave them alone for a while in comfort.

I don't mean to boast, and I never have before.. I guess everyone gets a little childish sometimes and is all "no no mine is better!" or some dome crap but I have never cared about the brand of jeans' my friends or spouses wear, nor will I ever. Maybe I kind of got side-tracked by the anxiety I was trying to alleviate by smoking so much BUD that the whole past year is a little blurry here and there. I've only smoked 4 times this past month after smoking at least 5 days a week, several times a day, for the past year.. and You know what? I like being sober. I love that I dealt with all my anxieties finally because if I kept putting everything off I don't know if I'd ever get around to it. I am okay, and I have a smile on my face, and a smile on my heart. Most of all I am loving myself again, and there's no better priority to have.

Also I finally figured out my major, and I'm pretty satisfied with the decisions I'm making. I have to transfer schools for next year and I had a panic attack as soon as I thought about it, the whole process of being in charge of my life and making moves, how I don't need anyones approval to do whatever the hell I want to do.. kind of scary.. kind of still gives me a lot of anxiety but I am eager to relieve my anxiety properly by taking action of my life and doing those things rather than stressing about them in my mind forever.

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 08:53:57 GMT

When will it all end, all my relationships have been nightmares. nothing left to say just have a lot of pain, agony, and anxiety. whwywhwywhwywhy did I bother

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 01:27:41 GMT

I don't think you can love and hate someone at the same time, I think if you do you need to sit down and think things over... and so I have. I'm not mad, I'm not upset, I'm trying really really hard to be understanding... which I don't think I am of much. With every relationship and experience I've learned something new, all things I hope which in the end will help me on the path of life or whatever. I know I'm hard on myself but I've never been as fearless as I am now and that's what I think I have learned the past few months. I think the only reason I was so comfortable with you is because I began to be comfortable with myself.. only I wish that comfort lasted a little longer, because I really adored being so comfortable. I would have never been ok with playing video games naked (im ok with being naked.. im bad with showing people the real me.. as in trying to play a game and failing right in front of someone that I want to impress)and things like that, far less then showing you my true feelings as much as I have, and trying to express them as best as I could. I'm not mad, I try not to be upset, but I think I have grown to understand a lot of things.. like how I reflect on a lot of things and I don't know why because the past does not define who I am, but how I'm very proud of my past and how it's gotten me to be who I am right now, and I remember all the people, and I remember all the days and the restless nights, and I remember not many stuck by my side.. and I remember it all.. and I appreciate it now rather than let it hold me back. Maryjane.. you have beten there for me when no one could be, I could've woken up to you in the morning.. and I could have waken to you in the middle of the night, and never have you let me down but I gotta say you've been delaying my anxiety... and I had to deal with this big ball of emotion I kept inside for a while now.

I told you I didn't love in a really long time, I didn't want to see anyone.. I've been hurt this and that but I think I'm fare and got over how hurt I was and that's why I found it so easy to move amongst the challenges that faced us.. but I never realized you need your time in order to grow up and be on the same page as I am.. ready for the truth and the full blown relationship vs sometimes you liked me there with you and other times you didn't know yourself what you wanted and that's okay. I thought I was really cold.. you gave me faith and the relationship we had gave me hope that there are people out there worth caring for and there are people that are worth throwing your pride away for. I have a new horizon to face because my sunset's different now, and I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm okay and I'm ready to endure all the pain, the pleasure, the guilt, the love, the confusion the rest of my life has to throw at me.. because I know I'm grown up now and I can take it.. and I can make it. (lol cheesy)

Full moon never looked more beautiful.

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 03:22:07 GMT

I'm starting to be really happy again and appreciate things as they are and planning out my future.. without putting like i'm putting myself or anything on the line any longer. I stopped thinking as much as I do and I'm just keeping ridiculously busy.. and I missed it.

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 18:38:29 GMT

Daily Extended Forecast for January 12, 2008

Do your level best to avoid being involved in group situations today -- everyone in the group has a different priority, so it will be difficult (if not impossible) for you to align your true sense of purpose with the group's. You are much better off working on your goals on your own right now. Even if they take you a little bit longer to accomplish, they will get done in the exact way you intended. You won't have to compromise or sacrifice anything.

=) I have another job interview on Monday which i probably won't get. it;'s an entry level position for an account executive. :) But at least i'm applying and hitting up places.. .

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 20:39:05 GMT

August 4th.

"This summer is now my own, a whole month to myself besides for days I’ll attend at school, which I don’t mind because I’m educating myself with the surroundings. My first ever boyfriend, he reflected the whole month before his birthday on the past year, and I’ve picked up some habits like that from him, which I can’t seem to get to the back of my mind. So eighteen.. I remember me writing crap like “seventeen huh, sixteen huh” actually when I was 16 I was fucked up on too many drugs to write anything that made sense and more-so comprehend my surroundings, which eventually lead me to a ditch. Anyway.. eighteen man! I made it, I honestly never saw myself in college, I never saw myself getting to this point of my life, the lack of taking care of myself the past 3 years I was sure I wouldn’t be here, so therefore! I quit my fucking job, fuck that. I have the whollllllllllle month to myself even more so a 10 day break from school which I will hopefully go to CT with this boy I’m starting to really like.. and I swear every time I write something I jinx things, but I’m at the point of my life where I just don’t care.

2 weeks ago I was smoking with my buddy across from union, in the triangular park and it was pouring, and we smoked through an umbrella! Sweeeet! Anyway.. I spotted 3 birds together and said “Yo, you know 3 birds means death man…” and my friend kept laughing.. and then there was 5, and he said “Yo anna what does 5 birds mean” and I realize often from the guys I hang out with that I’m really ridiculous with that shit.

So here’s to the best year of my life, that’s to come, that I’m preparing myself for.

And for the friends that have held my hand through some tough stuff, and helped me burn the bridges that were long overdo burning, thanks. But I don’t think because you were there for me once, reflects that we should be friends forever. If you want to keep our relationships then I have nothing to argue or oppose.

Much Love,

Annita"

I don't know why I've been the way I have been recently, I've been somewhat unhappy and putting myself in desperate situations which only made me not like myself. Panic attacks occur when your body (in animal instinct) has a "fight or flight" type predicament.,. and I don't know why I've been feeling like it's coming down to a point where I have to make decisions right now.. or else I will miserably fail at everything and anything I do. I guess thats where I got desperate.. I needed that hand to hold.. and how that hand I held ended up kicking my in the stomach too.. and every word I've spoken ended up being useless.. and if I didn't get to the fullest what I needed (more than wanted) than I would just go.. nuts. I'm finding my happiness again, I'm learning comfort all over again, comfort with myself mainly.. which is a relief because I can't keep doing what I've been doing. I've already learned in 2008, and I have a lot to prosper with but instead of my focusing on my voids, I'll focus on adding to what I already have. I've put myself in first place.. and as I sometimes come off all over the place, I'm not. It's just that "fight or flight" shit basic instinct of survival.. I couldn't be happier at this moment. I'm alright.

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 13:42:00 GMT

Best birthday ever. ever. ever.

Christian slept over last night.. and after I showed him some sunflowers we were talking and
he rememberes the date we started going out. Talked to mandy and she was telling me how she's making a gift her boyfriend for their one month, and asked me what I was doing. and i told her how i don't think it's important.. how i'm no longer 16 and things like that are minor.. and my baby remembered.. and that makes me feel incredible and makes me feel we're invincable.. it's different when you don't expect much and you really do get "the world x10"

gosh. :)

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 07:36:11 GMT

I married off my brother yesterday, civilly. I'm really happy for them. They're the most amazing couple in the world.

coney island

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 01:25:29 GMT

I watched the sunset on the train. Watched the moon rise on the beach, of which I keep a jar of sand in the house of my heart.

India Aire

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 03:40:32 GMT

I release all these disappointments
From my mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional body
Cause I know that spirit guides me
And love lives inside me
That's why today I take life as it comes

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 17:39:54 GMT

I need to learn to control my stress better, even though I'm pretty relaxed most of the time. Tomorrow I'm seeing Linda, the Chakra woman (http://www.healer.ch/Chakras-e.html), it's going to be my first session, and i'm really excited.